“…the most dangerous period is the aftermath. It is then, with all his resources spent and his guard down, that an individual must watch out for dulled reactions and faulty judgment.”
- Richard M.Nixon
I am not sure how it happened, but darkness loomed. I suppose it must though. If there is a light at the end of every tunnel, isn’t there darkness at the end of every bright corridor?
Don’t mistake me for a pessimist. I am the eternal optimist, an idealist. But in the moments after a dance production, especially one that is my own, emptiness creeps in. But this is a vacant feeling that I welcome.
Initially, the aftermath was one of elation and pride (well, mostly pride I must admit to) at having achieved. It was always accompanied by a hint of sorrow at being parted with friends who’ve worked tirelessly with you. Soon after, the only thought would be of the next year’s production, and how much better it had to be.
Over the years, though, the sense of ecstasy over success has replaced itself with a deeper sense of fulfillment. With it comes an understanding that none of it really matters. I am beginning to feel that praise and rejection are not to be viewed as the opposite sides of a coin, but as the coin itself. Discard that coin, and you divorce the mundane.
The numbness is fleeting however, and soon, you are back in the throes of disappointment. Someone decides a scene should have been choreographed differently, while another decides that some performers were not up to par. Poof! The heady sensation of nothingness is gone.
This time, though, the remnants of the black hole are still with me. I am not sure what has changed. It may be that in my 35th year, I feel the need to internalize my higher quest. I almost yearn for that singular moment when nothing but truth mattered.
I am certain that if I am to envision and choreograph my next show in my current state, it will be rewarding. For somewhere in my mind is the realization that it is not the applause or the disparaging moans that I hear. I seek to listen to that inner voice congratulating me on being true to the art form, and true to myself.
Perhaps the feeling will last longer next time.
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2 comments:
Wow Janaki, I loved your viewpoint on praise and rejection - so innately true. We have to discard the coin and be true to the art form. Hope that feeling will last forever :).
Well, waiting for a next time :).
I guess it is like this at the end of any sort of event... and we have plenty of those in school.. where you wind down, aren't as satisfied as you thought u might be, immediately plan to do better, even entertain a few ideas, in that euphoria, :), and then come back to the unmistable idealist in you!
What i have experienced, actually, that it does get better, and so, I hope it will with your efforts too!
thank you for the visit at the blog! I did enjoy reading some from here too.. shall definitely be back!
For somewhere in my mind is the realization that it is not the applause or the disparaging moans that I hear. I seek to listen to that inner voice congratulating me on being true to the art form, and true to myself.
Loved the way you articulated this feeling!
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